I grew up in a ministry house. We rode our bikes in the church parking lot, played hide and seek in the sanctuary, and the congregation became our stand-in grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and a few of them more like siblings. The church was home to me.
I’m honestly grateful to have been raised up in ministry, and I wouldn’t change any of it. Being a pastor’s kid, however, comes with pressure. Whether anyone tries to put it on you or not, it’s just kind of there. For most of my life, I was anxiously trying to strive to be all God had made me to be. I was determined to live well, do the right thing, follow Jesus, and live all of my days for Him.
I wanted to represent Him well.
That doesn’t sound bad, and honestly, it isn’t in and of itself. But that desire to be “good,” turned into a need to be perfect. It turned into me trying to do everything in my own strength, and feeling like a failure when I couldn’t. No wonder it wasn’t working. I had an iron grip of control around what I “thought” God’s design for my life should be. When that ideal wasn’t my reality, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even know there were parts of me I had yet to surrender. I was struggling, feeling stuck, and kept finding myself coming up short. I wanted the kind of faith that didn’t waver, but I was stuck in worry and fear. I wasn’t experiencing the peace that comes from abiding in Him.
There was a day, right in the middle of my hardest season, where I found an old book that someone had given me. I had tucked it away in a box somewhere, but it felt like time to give it a chance, so I started reading. It was called, “With: Reimagining the Way You Relate to God.”
What I didn’t know is how it would change my whole perspective on my walk with the Lord.
The author, Skye Jethani, talks about three different ways to relate to God.
Life under God (Afraid of Him, thinking He is disappointed or angry at you).
Life over God (Thinking “I don’t need Him. I can do this on my own.”)
Life for God- As I was reading, I thought “yep, this one. This is the right one, duh.”
Until I got to the next chapter: “Life WITH God.”
It was reading this chapter that led me to a revelation, so simple, but so important. Unless I learn to live WITH God, in communion with Him, walking hand in hand, and relying on Him, I would never find true freedom. I knew the Holy Spirit my whole life, and had known His voice, but I realized that far too often I was walking through life trying to live for Him without Him! I can’t truly do anything for Him, without Him. Isn’t that ironic?
You see, freedom is what the Gospel is all about. It’s Him, not me, who gives me the strength to be what He has made me to be. And first and foremost, I’m His daughter! The longer I’ve walked with Jesus, the more I’ve realized that becoming like Him is less about me striving in my own strength to be “good,”, and more about me falling so deeply in love with Him that He becomes my focus. In turn, He changes my heart- Jesus transforms EVERYTHING!
I’m reminded often of the story of Martha and Mary. Two sisters; one living for God, and the other living with Him.
When Jesus arrived at their house, Martha was striving. She was working tirelessly to make her home perfect for Him. And it honestly wasn’t coming from a bad place. She loved Him, so she wanted everything to be just right.
But Jesus said the better thing was to sit– where Mary sat– at His feet.
You see, there is a time for doing. We are called to MOVE! God’s given us a huge job to share the Gospel and do Kingdom work until Jesus returns, but there is nothing more important than fixing our eyes on our first love. We have to sit with Him. We have to rest with Him. We have to abide in Him. He wants to partner with us in our life and our ministry. We get to do it WITH HIM, and we can’t do it without Him. The goal was never to impress Jesus, it was always to be with Him.
What a joy and an honor it is to serve the Lord. And what an even greater thing it is to KNOW the Lord. He died for you and me to be close in relationship with Him. That is a beautiful thing, and it’s the whole point.
